(What I am about to share on this post is refelctions on body image. This is for me to reflect upon when I feel discouraged or for Lily to look back on when she feels her own discouragement, because as a woman she will feel that discouragement, garunteed.)
I am going to preface this post first by saying, I am grateful to have a healthy fully functioning body that has not lead me astray these 29 years. It has endured physical trials such as childbirth with grace and ease. I have two legs, two arms and fully functioning organs…I have been blessed with a healthy human body.
However, I am incredibly judgmental when it comes to my body image. I have been this way since I was little. I can remember when I was 8 years old, fantasizing that I was a thin athletic dancer. Needless to say, that continued to be my dream into adulthood. If you were to mention an age, and ask what I was doing at that time, the first thing that would pop into my head was how much I weighed. I do not want Lily to be obsessed as I was with body image, I need to break the cycle.
It hit me this morning when I broke out the scale to weigh myself (the usual morning ritual) and Lily hopped on the scale right after me to see how much she weighed. I knew right then and there that SHE IS WATCHING ME! She knows that mommy has an obsession with weighing herself and that the outcome is either ‘a happy mommy’ or a ‘sad mommy’. I do not want lily to have the same obsession over her weight. As we should all know, the scale is not a reflection of your overall health, it is what you are putting into your body and the exercise you are obtaining…it is LIVING A HEALTHY LIFESTYLE. The body needs both a healthy diet to keep it running and a healthy amount of exercise to keep it together, that simple.
We took Lily to the park on Sunday, and there was a boy Lily’s age running around. The father asked how old Lily was, I stated 2, and he says ‘really?! Wow, how long has she been 2?!’ Right away in my mind, I start to think that he is commenting on her size in relation to his son’s, and I begin to get bothered. He then says ‘well, I guess boys are bigger and girls are smarter’. So then, it became a complement that lily was smart…and I calmed down. I catch myself at church, comparing lily to other little girls her age and commenting to Mark how she is so much bigger than they are. I am paranoid that she will be larger (stature or weight) then the other girls/boys her age because Mark and I were larger children and she will suffer from the same body issues that I did. Crazy part is that I am the ONLY one worried about it! If I continue to show my worries, or comment about lily’s size, then I am the one creating the body stigma! What the heck is wrong with me?!!
My weight has always been, in my eyes, a reflection of my success. Being an overweight child, teen and adult, I aspired to reach the ‘weight goal’ (aka BMI), but was missing the mark on the ‘health goal’. True, when I weigh less I generally feel better both mentally and physically, but then I begin to become so fixed on the number that if it goes up by 5lbs I start to get discouraged. Then I want to give up on eating healthy and stuff my face with pancakes. Seems odd, but it is the truth.
How can I teach Lily to have both healthy living habits and a healthy body image when I have fault in this myself?
I will not blame my family/friends for the way I think today, because I take full ownership for allowing these thoughts to enter my brain. However, our language and the things we say to each other really do make an impact, whether our intenstions are positive or negative. Here are some of the statements that have engraved themselves into my brain from childhood: ‘If you were to lose weight you’d have the perfect guitar shape, right now you’re a cello’. ‘When you lose weight, every guy will want you’. ‘You can lose weight, but they can’t change their ugly faces…at least you have a pretty face’, ‘You would be happier if you were thinner’. ‘you are just packed solid, not fat’, ‘If you suck in and stand straight you’ll look thinner’, ‘You don’t look as big as you weigh’, ‘you carry yourself well for a thick girl’, ‘they are just jealous of your pretty face’. ‘You’d be so much prettier if…(plucked eyebrows, put on makeup, lost weight, wore your hair down, dressed like a girl, burned that sweater…you get the point.) So many lies that I am still trying to erase from my brain! These kinds of comments have made it hard for me to accept any kind of complement because 'people are just trying to be nice and not discuss my weight, but they don't really mean it.' I know the people who said them only had good intentions in mind. They were not trying to make me feel worthless or depressed, they were trying to give me hope and inspire me to change my life. I will admit that in my youth, I lived an unhealthy lifestyle. I watched about 6 hours of TV/day, I turned to food for comfort/entertainment and would get upset if anyone tried to make me do any physical activity because it offended me.
I never felt that I had the opportunity to love myself because I was told that was not the ‘self’ I wanted and that I needed to change. What I wish someone would have told me, was what was happening inside my body because of these habits. It had nothing to do with the outward appearance (though that’s what it seemed) but everything to do with my physical wellbeing. I want the topic of 'Weight' to never be discussed in my home, only health. I want lily to understand the consiquences of unhealthy choices, not as 'if you eat this then you will get fat', but 'if you eat this, then you will feel tired or sick and not be able to feel good participating in the activities you love.'
Now as I am older, I desire to be healthy. I desire to eat good food that makes my body feel invigorated and achieve physical goals that I never dreamed I could accomplish in my youth. I desire to be a healthy person…not necessarily thin. Though the notion of thin = Happiness is still engraved in my head and I do not know how to get it out! I’m tired of obsessing over my weight. I know for a fact that I will never be thin (under 150) and I am okay with that, because I don't need to be and if I ever forced myself to get to that point, then it probably would not be the healthy way. My weight does not define me, and if anyone thinks they know me because of how I look, then they are dead wrong. I am a healthy and athletic person, I can push myself to accomplish any physical or mental task because I have incredible stamina. I amaze myself everyday with the activities I accomplish. I am a wife, I am a mother and I am a child of God...aka Dieaty people!
I wish I could go back in time and tell my 12-18 year old self: ‘Andrea, you may not see it now, but life gets better. Stop listening to others, listen to yourself and live in a way that says ‘I love myself’. Be active with groups of friends; never let your weight stop you from being yourself and doing what you love to do. You judge yourself way more than you think others do. Don’t be afraid to share your talents because you’re afraid others will make fun of you. Join the track and field team…you secretly love to run. You will love to exercise, but you will not love it if you are forced, so take your time to learn how to love it on your own way. It’s okay to love food, but make sure it makes your body happy and don’t worry…you will never run out of it. Don’t let the scale control your emotions, in fact, don’t even purchase one! They are evil. Someday you will meet someone who finds you beautiful, regardless of what you think of yourself on the outside. And he will never, ever try to change you or make you feel self-conscious. Your family loves you, and their concerns are valid, but you are the only one who can make a change. Be happy, life is too awesome to feel discouraged.’
So I guess my question now is: How can I ensure Lily grows up with a love for self and body? I need to start with myself.
These are a couple of articles that I’ve read the last few days which really helped me re-assess my ways of thinking:
