Grateful

Grateful,

So, I’ve been a bit of a complainer this year. This year has really been a hard one. And lately all I do is complain about the horrible things that have happened this year, how my body is driving me crazy and how un-hopeful I am for the rest of this year. It’s really putting a damper on my family, my spirits and my overall faith.

I am creating a new goal for myself, be an optimist. It’s going to be really hard for my realist personality to do, but hopefully it will improve my quality of life in the long run. So, instead of taking the time to post about all that is wrong in our life right now, I’m going to write about all that is good. Someone once told me, we pay more attention to the car accidents on the road thinking driving is dangerous, yet we miss all the cars driving by without a scratch (something like that.)

I read an article this week, saying the most important attribute you can look for in a partner is for them to be an optimistic and hopeful person. Last thing you want is a total downer by your side when your doctor diagnoses you with cancer. This is why I am so very grateful for my husband. He is by far the most supportive and optimistic person I know. He has had a very hard year. From losing his father to having heart surgery, he never complains! Which does not mean he is not hurting inside. He is constantly thinking about others and not himself, though he has every reason to say ‘woah is me’, he always looks for the silver lining. He is such a blessing to me, and I need to be more like him. I need to be just as supportive, hopeful and optimistic as he is…because he deserves that kind of partner. 

I cannot tell you how many times a day I pray to heavenly father, thanking him for my beautiful daughter. How amazing is it that we have the chance to bring life into this world? And how amazing is it that we get to spend time with these humans, raise them, teach them and love them every day? AND how amazing is it that heavenly father trusts us to do so?! AMAZING! I love my daughter so much. She brightens my darkest days and gives me the courage to continue on, no matter the struggles. She helps me to take my mind off my anxiety and health concerns, with her laughter, funny conversations and her concern for me. Last night she helped me get over my stomach ache by giving me a raspberry on the belly. She knows how to make mommy feel better.

There are not very many working mothers in the world who have the luxury of free child care. My parents are awesome. They are always willing to watch Lily. Never too tired, never needing to do something else that is deemed as important, they are there for us. Lily loves spending time with her Amma and Grandpa, and I am so grateful to have my parents helping me to raise my sweetheart. Parents are wonderful for many reasons. Even if they could not watch lily every day, I’d still have a list of reasons why I love them. But them being able to watch lily, and my mom even works while watching her, is such a huge blessing.

I often complain about how hard it is to be a mom, wife and full time working woman. I do wish I could be a stay at home mom. But alas, that is not my life right now. So, I am very grateful for a full time paying job that helps me to create a home for my family while my wonderful husband studies his butt off so we can have a great future.  My employer is very generous when it comes to my personal time and they are great to work with.

Since I’ve moved around quite a bit in my lifetime, it’s been hard to make and keep friendships. I’m grateful for the friends that I have, who despite the distance have always managed to keep in touch with me. If I don’t show up to women’s class at the gym, my friends are usually trying to find out if I’m doing alright. Grateful for friendships, despite me being terrible at nourishing them.

We have had the opportunity for the past year to live in Grandma O’s home while she is receiving care. Though the primary intention of us moving into the house was so we could take care of it, in retrospect it was really so we could save money. Grateful for my second family (marks family) for allowing us to live in grandmas home. It has been a blessing to not have to live pay check to paycheck and be able to have a home to raise lily. They are always looking out for us financially and it is nice to have that kind of support if necessary. Not having to make a car payment or pay a phone bill can alleviate a lot of financial stress on someone.

Grateful to have a new calling. Though it scares me, I’m glad I have an opportunity to serve in the church. I was called this week to be the Secretary in the Young Women’s organization. I’ve always wanted a calling in Young Womens, though I’ve never been a secretary. The leaders who I will be working with seem really great, which kind of makes me feel inadequate since they are much more spiritually in tuned then I am right now. I’m sure I will love this calling.

Grateful to have the opportunity be physically strong. I love to exercise. It actually makes me happy. I enjoy running, I love to complete challenging workouts (but not burpees) and I love to reach physical goals. I often listen to friends complain about how ‘I can diet, but I can’t exercise’, that is the complete opposite for me. Exercise is never my struggle.

I’ve struggled the past few years with my testimony of the LDS church. Not my testimony of Jesus Christ and the Atonement, only the church organization itself. Was Joseph Smith truly a prophet? Did he really see Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ? The more friends you make outside of your religion, it makes you think about what you truly believe, so I’ve struggled. Though we attend church each Sunday, I struggle with going. I’m not a fan of LDS culture, most of the people appear to be vain, prideful, socially awkward and narrow minded (I know, I sound like a real conceded jerk). They Portray the world as an evil place and we are the only good ones…which I fail to agree. You don’t see many members of the LDS church participating in public events, they tend to be home bodies. And if I see someone I know from church out in public, they usually will not say hello unless I do. However non-LDS acquaintances are usually the first to acknowledge someone they know…maybe this scenario is exclusive to me. Despite my personal clash with LDS culture, it is amazing that the only place where I receive the confidence that I am actively following Gods plan for me through his restored gospel is when I am in the Temple. I am so grateful for Temples. When I am there, I receive so much clarity and peace. I learn more about myself, my eternal father and how I’m connected to the big picture. Though I’m a complicated LDS, with conflicting opinions, I know that I am actively participating with heavenly fathers plan for all his children. Going to the temple also means that I get to go away with Mark, which is always a blessing. Wish we could go more often. That is one thing I can be excited for moving to phoenix, I’ll have access to three temples!

I found out recently that I have gallstones, have had this issue going on for a year and not known. I will have to have my gallbladder removed, which is pretty common. Despite this set back, I'm grateful it was not something worse like cancer or pacriatis. Grateful for modern medicine that can help me, and maybe next time I will listen to my body.

I’m excited and hopeful for what is to come in our lives. The future has always scared me, because I’m not in control. What I can be in control of is my outlook on life and finding ways to be grateful. We were watching 60 minutes the other night when they were doing a piece on the Ebola outbreak in West Africa. I was heartbroken to see all the suffering of the people, one family in the piece lost their 5 yr old son, but the rest were spared. How heartbreaking for that family. Though I am not immune to tragedy, I am so grateful for the trials that I have gone through in my life and the power the lord has given me to overcome them. There is always someone in the world that has it worse.  Maybe instead of dwelling on my own issues, I should be thinking how I can help others with theirs?