I was debating whether or not to write about Septemeber. It was a really hard month for us. Not the whole month, just the last couple weeks. Really just a series of seven days.
At the end of August I'd discovered that I was pregnant with baby #3. While I was excited to be pregnant (as well was Mark) I had this dark feeling that the pregnancy would not come to full term. I had little to no pregnancy symptoms, and was actually surprised and shocked that I was pregnant. I even had a dream that I was pregnant and then had a miscarriage (in the latin world, dreams are everything). We decided not to tell anyone, not even our mothers about the pregnancy until I could see an OBGYN for the 8 week appointment. I carried on with my usual crossfit activities and went on my RP diet as I'd originally planned (nothing of which would harm a pregnancy). I made my appointment with a new OB that I'd never met and planned to meet with her on a Wednesday. The Thursday before my 8 week appointment, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, when I discovered that I was bleeding, not a lot, but I knew it was not a good sign. I called the OB's office in the morning to see what I could do and I went in for a checkup that afternoon. They were concerned about the bleeding and we had an ultrasound and blood tests performed. The Ultrasound showed our baby, and there was a heartbeat, but the size of the baby was showing 5 weeks, when it should've been showing as 8 weeks. I knew that was a bad sign.
That late afternoon while I was at Jacobs soccer practice, I called Mark to see where he was on his way from work cause it was taking longer then usual. Then he told me he had been in a car accident. He sounded pretty shaken up, which is unlike Mark cause he is such a calm person. He told me he'd fallen asleep or passed out while driving (mind you, there was no AC in the PT cruiser and it was 115 degrees outside). I knew it was bad. I went to find him, half a mile from Jacobs practice. Four cars were involved and the PT was completely demolished. Everyone in the accident was relatively okay, but Mark in the end had broke his hand on impact. Thursday was a really crappy day for us.
Now back to baby #3...I did a 48 hour blood test over the weekend to get the results of my HCG levels. During that weekend, I began to bleed heavier and had the sinking feeling that the baby would not survive this pregnancy. That was the longest weekend I've ever experienced. Not knowing what was going on in my body, not knowing when I saw blood if it was just blood clots or my baby I was barbarically flushing down the toilet. Hurts my heart still to think about. I said lots of prayers, not to ask God to allow the baby to survive cause I did not feel that was right, but to help me understand that it was his will and what would happen from here. I felt I needed to have a conversation with my baby. I began telling the baby that whatever happened, he or she would always be my baby and belong to my family. I told the baby that they could leave, but to come back to me soon. As silly as it may seem, I really do feel that my baby will return to me. I don't know if it will be in this life as I don't know how that works in Heavenly fathers plan, but I do know their little spirit is still under the stewardship of Mark and I. That Monday I got a call telling me that the progesterone levels in my body were too low to sustain a healthy pregnancy. I did the wrong thing by googling what that meant and all it made me feel was that my body sucked. I had always been proud of my health, I've never had any issues with body and now according to google searches I'm being told that my body is not providing enough progesterone to keep my baby safe within my body?! I felt heartbroken and helpless and so alone because I could not talk to anyone aside from Mark, who tried with his best effort to help me not feel at fault, could never feel the sadness and anger that I'd felt at that moment. I met with the OB on that Wednesday and we did the ultrasound. the baby was gone. I had already felt that the baby had passed over the weekend, that my body had already taken care of the miscarriage, but it still hurt to hear the Tech say 'I'm so sorry, I don't see the baby.' I felt anger at my own body for failing me. Anger that I maybe did not do enough to get the OB to prescribe me progesterone to help keep the baby. But at the same time, peace knowing that my baby is still mine. I expressed my frustration to my OB and asked her if I needed to be prescribed progesterone the next time we try to get pregnant. She put my anger at peace, telling me that there is no way to know what happened and why it happened. The baby had stopped growing after 5 weeks and progesterone levels could have been low for any number of reasons cause it was an unhealthy pregnancy. It does not mean that the next try will be the same. I felt hope, still sadness for our loss, but hope that we will try again someday. We will not stop trying, I'd always said no babies past 35, now I don't care about that so much. I need all our little spirits to join our family, I won't place a time frame on that.
I pray that I do not have to experience a miscarriage again. I had always felt deep down that this hurt would come to me at some point, but I'd always hoped I was just being paranoid. But no matter what happens, baby #3 came and left a print on my heart forever. This may also sound silly, but I also felt that his spirit was a little boy. I've named him Noah Renee Ontiveros, my Son. I look forward to meeting him someday, in this life or the next.
It's amazing to me how when you open yourself up to being vulnerable, how many people you find are your community. I posted something about miscarriage on facebook and I had tons of women thanking me, sharing their miscarriage stories, bringing us dinner and treats and just listening. I'd missed a full week at the gym, which is unlike me, received lots of texts from my friends asking where I'd been and I blamed it on Marks accident because I did not want to burden them with my sadness. after the week had passed, I told some of what had happened, and my community opened up to me without judgment or awkwardness. Some got me crying in public, which I hate to do, but I was so grateful for their love and to know that I was not alone. I love my friends here, they are so real and wonderful and going thru this experience has showed us that we have a larger family then we'd originally thought. Community is important, and I realize that now. Which is why I've been trying harder to look after my friends and be there for them as they were for me. It's brought us all closer. Blessings find us in strange times and places, but we always find them.
We ended up getting a new car. Kind of sucks having to make a car payment when we weren't having to make any, but we finally got a Van. I am so happy to have more space so I can help my friends move things around or pick up their kids, it's been great! We went for a very affordable vehicle so we can stay on track with our Snowball budget plan. And we are happy with our family car.
Mark's arm is now healed, and he is happy to be returning back to normal routines. I am so grateful that he and the others in his accident were not more hurt. It could have been lethal, but he definitely has angels watching over him. And he now drives with AC in the car...finally.
Overall, September had some serious downs, but we are truly blessed as we have each other and the love of those around us. I love my family so much. Mark, my two crazies and my little angel in heaven.
Lily and Jacob also finished their soccer season. Jacob scored a goal on his last game. Go Jakey poo!
Lily's school photo, and Jacobs everyday photo. We went to the Halloween store many times at Jacobs request, he was scared the whole time. Yet continued to want to go?
Play time with friends and enjoying the new month.
Mark also had his birthday this month, and we celebrated our 9 yr anniversary. All good things. I've got a good man, and we have an amazing partnership. Very blessed.
Proof of Noah, our little forever bean.
The Car...yikes!
