Being Proud of Myself

3yrs and almost 40lbs in between the top and bottom photo. 

I remember taking the top photo. It was just weeks after restarting Crossfit again after a 8 month break due to childbirth and surgery. I was feeling happy again with getting back in the sport I loved and proud of myself for working to get strong again. I had hope for my future.

Since then, I’ve felt lots of lows as I try to be the best physical version of myself. I often let my self talk discourage me from ever thinking I can be an outwardly athletic person. I assume others thoughts and it gets me feeling defeated. I had someone tell me once that the reason why they are more athletic then me is because of their diets. I felt she was making an assumption I ate Mcdonalds and Oreos everyday. All while I was on a clean, protein high macro counting diet and had lost 20lbs. That comment made me feel hopeless. No one could see my efforts, cause I'm still overweight.


‘You’ll always be the fat girl trying to run with the skinny girls.’
‘You’ll never accomplish your goals, cause you’re not good enough.’
 You should be better after 7 yrs.’
'They think you must not eat well if you're still overweight.'
‘People only say you did good cause they are surprised someone your size can keep up.’
Needless to say, I’m not very nice to myself.

I recently finished a 12 week diet program. I was discouraged that since I wasn’t 💯 compliant, I’d let some people down who were hoping I’d have better results, including myself.

But looking at this before and after. And thinking about the hope that I had 3 yrs ago, that I would improve, get stronger and leaner, I doubt she would’ve cared about the time frame. She’d just be proud I hadn’t given up on my goals. So, I continue on, battling my inner jerk, battling the rude know-it-alls of health and improving one day at a time.
Today I did 3 knee to elbows in a row, something I’ve never been able to do. And THAT is why it’s all worth it. 

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March-April 2019

March


March was a good month. Mark started at his new job, and really loves it. He works more, and it's more challenging then his previous job. But that is what he was looking for.
We took the kids to Kidpalooza. It was unlimited games and inflatable rides. The kids had a lot of fun!
Lily had spring break, but we did not go anywhere exciting. Just Tucson for a couple days. Mark and I had a staycation there while Tina stayed with the kids. We hiked Sabino Canyon like old times, ate Chinese and saw a movie. Nothing too thrilling, but the fact that we actually got a date and night together made it special.
We also got a visit from my sister and niece Rebekah. I love spending time with them, and miss them terribly when they go. The kids loved being with them as well, especially Jacob with Rebekah. He can't wait to see them again in the summer time. We went to the 4th ave street fair. My sister and I bought matching dresses, and took silly pictures together like the old days. it was so fun, she makes me laugh so hard.
We celebrated my mom's birthday. First year that she has celebrated her birthday without her mother, who shares her birthday. We had to make sure we took care of her, but she chose to celebrate it the only way that makes her happy, by serving others. I really love my mom. She is an example of strength and service that I can only attempt to replicate.


Pictures in no particular order.

April

April started out with April fools day. I packed lily's lunch using junk food wrappers and put broccoli inside. She loved it! She such a dork, and it is so much fun.

Lily also went on her first field trip to the zoo. Unfortunately I could not go, because I had to stay with Jacob, but, I a sweet friend who took pictures and sent them to me. She had a great time. And loves to learn about animals.

We went to the school carnival where Jacob went on the spinning ride over 15 times! He had eaten a big cotton candy and felt very sick. He was so cute, despite feeling terrible. But they had a great time.

Mark was in LA for a week for work, so the kids and I found fun together. Saw movies, played at the playgrounds and went to the museum. I love spending time with those crazies.

Easter was good. Stayed home for Easter and had the moms come up. Kids did an easter egg hunt Saturday with our HOA, which was really great. Then sunday they found their own easter eggs. Lily got a scooter, which she has only biffed once since receiving it. and Jacob got a Hero Masher from us and his Aunt Nanita. That boy is obsessed with Hero Mashers! Wish they were easier to find. He and I search goodwill often for them, he's my hunting buddy.

Our Neighbor friends Vicky and Jeff went back to South Dakota for the summer. We are bummed to see them leave. They invited us to their house for dinner one night, and the kids were so funny about it. Jacob wanted to dress his best, so he chose a nice sweater and his church pants (it was like 90 degrees). He would not let me change his clothes! The just love Vicky and Jeff. Best neighbors.

We went to the fair this past Saturday. And the kids enjoyed playing the games and rides, keeping it a fun family tradition. We of course ended our day with some mini donuts and foot massager chairs in Popops honor. Always good to remind Lily and tell Jacob the great memories we had with him.

I finished my 12 week cut with RP. I lost 12 lbs all together, not being 100 percent compliant. More like 85 percent. So, had I been 100 percent, I'd probably lost more. BUT I am still happy with the results and feel that it is a diet change that I can maintain. I often found myself feeling discouraged, with self hatred and the feeling I will always be in an uphill climb when it comes to my physical fitness, but when I look back on where I was 12 weeks ago, I realize that no matter how slow it may be, I am still moving toward the destination. I just can't jump off the bus. Now I am in maintain period for the next 12 weeks and then I'll begin another 12 week cut. I improved all my lifts by 5 lbs, got my knee to elbows, toe to bars and strung my pull-ups by three's all in the 12 weeks time. I am improving on all levels of fitness. And that is truly the goal.

Super vulnerable pictures, I'm not confident enough to show my legs, but hopefully I will be one day.