First, I want to preface this with, I love being a mom, pregnant and having the opportunity to have another child.
First thought, some people (they know who they are) have been negative about us having a second child. Saying, 'having a second child is SO much harder' or 'will you be getting your tubes tied after this one', 'you sure you want to do this' (what am I supposed to say? No i'm not, lets abort. Silly people). I think about a Jim Gafagin skit where he is talking about having four children, He makes the comment about with the first child, everyone is excited and throws parties. The second child, 'oh, that's nice', and after that it's pretty much 'have you lost your f-ing mind'? I'm starting to realize just how true that is! No one aside from Mark and I and my mom seem to be too excited about us having a second child. I'm sure it is just my perception, but it's what I've noticed. When I got pregnant with lily, I constantly had people asking how the baby was doing, that they were excited for us, wanting to know every detail of my pregnancy, rubbing my belly to talk to the baby...now nothing. Maybe that is a good thing, as that stuff always annoyed me, especially cause I was so worried my pregnancy would not be full term. And I guess it really shouldn't matter. As long as we are excited about it, who the hell cares what anyone else thinks? it's just making me a little more concerned about having a second child...though it shouldn't.
My first pregnancy with Lily was amazing, from what I can remember. I do not remember being in pain, uncomfortable or being scared for my physical well being. If anything, I felt that I could be pregnant forever. I never thought women were being dramatic for complaining about their pregnancies, I understood that everyone was different, I just knew I loved it. I try looking in my journals to see if I ever complained about pregnancy, and I only complained about throwing up in the beginning...but even that was nothing to me. This time around, though it is a different situation, I'm having a hard time. It may have nothing to do with the pregnancy itself. As I've written in previous post, I have gallbladder disease. which makes me concerned that something else could happen due to it's complications. Constantly paranoid I'm going to end up with pancreatitis or that my gallbladder will burst, it's left me feeling that this pregnancy will last forever. I've had to change my diet to all low fat or no fat in order to reduce my risk for complications to my gallbladder. Which I'm okay with doing and have been doing for the past three months just fine. I've lost a total of 15 lbs(does not include the fact I've gained at least 5 lbs pregnancy weight, so technically I've lost about 20lbs...I think). People comment on it like I should be excited or flattered that I've lost weight. Well, I'm not. If the circumstance was trying to live a healthy lifestyle and wanted to fit into a smaller size, then I'd be thrilled. But I'm not. I'm trying to prevent myself from having to go to the hospital and hooked to an IV. Besides, my belly looks swollen and pregnant, so I look now like humpty dumpty with a skinny face. All of this has made pregnancy a little tough. The nausea has been non stop, constipation is terrible, having to pee all the time sucks and now I've got flank pains which leave me puzzled as to what it could be and praying my pancreas is not going to blow. Is it baby related or gallbladder related is the question I get from family and co-workers when I'm feeling ill. And I have no idea how to answer! Surgeon blames it on pregnancy, OB blames it on gallbladder, but no one gives me any answers that satisfy my fears. Can you sense I'm frustrated?
My happiness when I'm feeling hopeless? The feeling of my little sweetie inside of me kicking. I've been feeling the babies movements for the past couple weeks, which have been wonderful. I don't feel them all the time, just every once in awhile. I have fears that my current condition will impact the babies health, though I'm told it will not, I cannot help but be concerned. Doctors visit this week put the babies heart rate at 160. I'm pretty sure it is a girl, which would be wonderful. It feels right. I can see her and lily being the best of friends. I just pray this pregnancy goes full term. Then again, it's not in my hands. I'm trying to do everything I can to keep the baby and myself safe. But sometimes I wonder if I should take the risk and have the surgery while I'm pregnant? What's the greater risk? Wait till after pregnancy or do it now? My OB seems to think it will be successful if I do it before 20 weeks and the baby should be ok. However the surgeon says there is no guarantee the baby will be okay if I do. I'm at a loss for what I should do. I feel that I should troop this out, do what the surgeon tells me and wait until after the baby is born. My gallbladder has not caused any pain since I've changed my diet, I've just felt some 'unknown' pains in my body which could be completely unrelated. I'm almost to the halfway point, and if I can make it this far, can't I finish successfully? I'm so angry with myself that I was not more aggressive with my first doctor when I suspected there was a problem...muscle strain my ass. Can't believe I fell for that. If I had said 'no, it is something else', then I would not have this worry now. There is nothing I can do to change what happened, just need to learn to listen to myself. I have till the second week of February to decide if I'll opt for the surgery, but as of right now, it's not worth risking the babies health...which is what I care about most. there have been times I thought if the pregnancy did not go to full term, it would make my decision a lot easier and I could get myself to a healthy state and try again. But then when I get concerned that the baby may be gone, I feel heartache. Heavenly father wanted this spirit to come to our family at this time, and it will be up to him as to what happens. I just need to continue to do my best to live well and take care of myself.
Is
it just me, or is something in the water? So many women are
pregnant right now! Out of my friends, there are about ten of us with
due dates between May and July. Guess September and October were busy
months. :) Random thought, I know.
Thinking
about the sex of the baby. We should have the ultrasound sometime after
the 9th. I have a feeling that it is a girl, which would be very
convenient. I have all the clothes, toys, décor that I can use for baby
#2, but they are all for girls! If it was a boy, I'd have to start from
scratch. Unless I decide to not place gender specific clothing on my
child...not likely. We also have a girl name picked out, however boy
names? There is not one that sways me. And mark and I just can't agree
on a name. We discussed maybe naming the baby after Marks father, but I
don't know. Every time we say the name, will it make someone sad? Maybe
the middle name? Boy names are hard! Hopefully i'll get my wish and it
will be a little girl...then again it would be nice to be finished
having children and having a boy would make that decision easier.
10
Things you don't say to this pregnant woman? I was reading an article
on things you should not say to a pregnant lady, and I decided to come
up with some of my own, based on this first 17 weeks. Which I'm sure
will change as the pregnancy progresses. I know everyone means well, but
dammit, THINK BEFORE YOU SPEAK!
1.
'I bet you hope it's a boy' (primarily to Mark): Actually, Mark really
does not care. You see, my husband is easy going and all he wants is a
healthy baby and a healthy Mommy. Whether it is a boy or a girl, makes
not difference to him. This is one of the many reasons I love him. Me on
the other hand (as detailed above) I'd prefer a girl for convenience,
but will take a boy if that is what we are meant to have.
2.
'How much weight have you lost?': well, since I have no idea of how
much the baby weighs, any answer would be a guess. So lets not make me
do the math.
3. 'Are you still
feeling nauseas?' or 'Are you feeling okay today?': I know you're just
trying to be concerned, but asking that question actually makes me want
to vomit more...then you'll know how I feel. And just because I feel
'okay' today, does not mean I'll feel 'okay' tomorrow.
4.
'I'm really glad I didn't have to go through that': Well, I'm happy for
you too. So keep it in your mind from now on, okay? Thanks
5.
'Where is your baby bump?': Well, I'm only 17 weeks, so give it some
time. I'm sure you're just trying to flatter me, but saying that is only
making me worry more that my baby is not growing adequately due to my
other issues. So please, don't make me panic. And besides, if this is
not pregnancy making my belly look like this, then I'm pretty much a
bloated air balloon and will be floating towards the sky at any time
now.
6. Comparing me to anyone
who may have been in a similar pregnancy as me (complicated). I really
don't care what they did. I hate being compared to anyone, ever, in any
situation. I am me, and this is my journey.
7. 'One was enough for me!': really, well it's not for me.
8. 'How do you think all this makes me feel?! (referring to the fact I feel like S*@#T): Really?! Last time I recall, you did not enter my body. Please, spare me the empathy.
9.
'You really need to stop doing those exercises': Yes, because exercise
got me pregnant and f'ed up my gallbladder. This is the only thing that
makes me still feel normal, if my OB is okay with it, so am I.
10.
Is it because of the Gall bladder or the baby?': Seeing how my doctors
don't even know, I haven't the slightest idea. So if you find someone
who can tell me, then please let me know.
Pissy prego woman over here, I know...just want to remember what not to say to people someday when I'm acting like an expert.
Okay...you've been warned.
Many worries, many prayers, one god who knows how it will all turn out.
No comments:
Post a Comment